Untitled

Untitled written by Eve Noir

I don't know if there's a heaven or a hell.
But if there were a place like hell...
I think it would be like this.

Locked in
No way out
You can't smell anything but sweat
You can hardly breathe
Constantly wondering if you'll ever leave
Every moment is an eternity
Considered crazy
Pill after pill to make you well...
even if your brain feels like it's frying
People stealing from one another
People losing their minds right in front of you
You begin to wonder who you really are too
You lose something...you lose control
Afraid someone is going to hurt you...
even with "security" there
No one is really safe
No family around, no one there is a friend
You are so lonely that you can't help...
but to cry
Doctors assuming they know you...
but they have no idea
It's all a guessing game
The shocks will keep them from hurting themselves or hearing things...
so "they" say...
But it doesn't work sometimes
They're still the same...probably worse now
The pills fail sometimes...
and change them into monsters
The food makes you gag...
they think you're just an animal
Every day is the same
You think you'll leave tomorrow...
but tomorrow turns into...
another tomorrow.~

Lydia

This story is based off of true situations.

Lydia lit a candle and began to wonder again. She wondered how much her life would change if things took a turn for the worse. She couldn't help but to wonder a lot lately. Her stomach knotted up when thinking about the possible outcome of her unfortunate position. Ultimately, her life would go back to square one. And she knew deep down that things would probably never get back to how they once were. Atleast not for a while.

Lydia had good friends, a sweet dog, and a nice home with a loving boyfriend. She never fully realized two things before hearing the news-how much freedom she had and how good her life truly was. Sadly, if she lost her home she shared with her boyfriend, she'd have no choice but to move back into her parents' home. And that was not a fun place to be. Her mother was great but her father and brother were different stories. Her father had quite the temper. He also hurt Lydia's feelings from time to time with his rude comments about the way she looked and acted. He never apologized and thought he was helping her by commenting on the way she lived her life. Lydia didn't quite understand that.

Lydia always thought she was a good person. But she had different interests that her father just didn't understand...would probably never understand. Oh my! Lydia likes skulls, she must worship the devil!, her father often implied. Lydia felt like she was a fairly normal girl but her father always made her feel so odd. She would try her best to avoid him when she lived there but sometimes there was no escaping.

Still, she could handle his temper and insults compared to what her brother was like. He was the main reason why she didn't want to move back. He was a compulsive liar, had issues with drugs and alcohol, and stole from everyone in the house, including Lydia. She didn't understand why her parents continued to let him live there while knowing he'd probably never get his act together. Lydia feared to live with him again. Sure, locks can be put on every single thing, but that's no way to live...NO ONE should have to live that way, Lydia thought.

Lydia felt great sadness when thinking of all these things lately. She couldn't help but to wonder if she'd go back to a life that made her scream inside every day. And with that very thought, she decided she was going to do everything she could to avoid that kind of life again. She was not going to passive. She finally felt some hope that things would work out. That maybe her life wouldn't change at all. "One day at a time, just one day at a time," she said to herself and then blew the candle out.~

File this under Dysfunction

There are two kinds of friends. The kind that hear that your voice is shot, ripped raw, and flinch, telling you to stop talking, maybe even offer you a cup of hot tea to soothe your throat. Then there is the kind of friend who hears you straining to speak and suddenly has sixteen questions that require detailed answers and couldn't possibly be answered with a nod of the head.

It seems I have the latter. In multitude.

Scared of the Dark

How can a simple closed door scare me so much?

See , in my dream , a recurring dream at least twice a week for ... oh more years than I care to admit, I turn on a light switch and the light doesnt work. None of the lights work, and I know its because someone in the house doesnt want them to work, someone is taking the light and waiting for me to run because when I run they will pounce.

I wake from this dream, the only nightmare I ever have where I am not in control of the dream, and I normally smile relief and roll over. Except today it was time to get up, so I turned on the lamp and it went "plink" and went out..... now all there is in the room is a closed door with a glow behind it and I know there were no other lamps on in the house, and as I puzzle this, the glow went out and there was no more light and its time to get up.

Suffer Well

I suffer well, though I am always alone
Terrified of the Midnight Highway
The burning-fire steeds trample me on their way home
I can't send a singular thought tonight
At a blazing pace of speed
Something akin to that of light.

I hold within, a dire need
A facade worth supervising to death
Simply wanting someone to want me
Without a last dash of breath

Every time I hold a thing so fragile and precious
I fall a little deeper into a trap
Sending my soul into a cycle tenacious
and ten-times worse than life.

Untitled

Untitled written by Eve Noir

Time & time again, you've let me down
You're not my friend anymore...
I don't know what you are to me...
What you mean to me
Something ugly has grown inside you...
And it doesn't seem to be leaving anytime soon

You blame me, you blame others...
But you need a new person to blame
Try yourself for a change

I've done nothing but gone out of my way for you
And you say I'm never around
I'm always here, how many times do I need to say it?
Well, don't worry because I won't be saying it anymore

I'm really tired of you
Tired of trying, trying, and trying some more
I don't even want to look you in the eye
You're not the girl I once knew...
So fun & full of life
Your eyes are empty now
You're nowhere in sight

I'd help you out if you let me but...
You've made it clear that you think nothing is wrong
And then you wonder why no one is around for you anymore

I want to believe that you'll be my good friend...
As you once were
But you don't see that ugly thing inside...
Still eating away at you

I always thought I could count on you...
You always said you'd be there for me...
But you're not
Are you sorry?

I wish I could say I'm sorry but...
I didn't do anything wrong...
I just tried to be there for you...
But you wouldn't let me anyways

There's only so much I can do
I didn't give up on you...
You gave up on yourself

Maybe one day you'll be that girl I used to know again
And I hope you'll try
Because I do miss you

Saving

Saving

The outside is too dark

Even if I see the stars

Why don’t you come and save me?

Where are you, Mommy?

The big scary man laughed

He ripped my pretty dress

He pinned me to the ground

Said I wasn’t Daddy’s princess

He’s hurting me now

Over and over and over again

I’m begging him to stop

He doesn’t listen and gave me more pain

Daddy! Daddy! I called

Help me! Help me! I cried

I’m so young and I’m so cold

I couldn’t get away even if I tried

The big scary man pulled a knife

He punched me hard and cut me

I screamed when the knife scarred my face

I screamed for Mommy and Daddy

He thought I was dead and left me

I was left lying on the ground

I can’t talk anymore so I bled and cried

I prayed to God so I’ll be found

Mom and Dad said they loved me

They said God did too

They said my guardian angel will protect me

So, my angel, where are you?

Oh, the despair.
Really, that scared me.
Oh, and that was hot off the press, so I'm sorry for the flaws and stuff.

A Tease of Fiction

This is something I've been working on over at No Girls Allowed. A snippet from the middle of a work in progress about Muses, it stands on it's own two legs, but you're welcome to drop by to read from the beginning. Simply click here to get just those posts (and don't forget, it's a blog, so start at the bottom).

~Pia

Enveloped in flames, I burn. Choked by smoke, I gag and cough. Tendrils of burnt-flesh smell snake into my nostrils and coil around my lungs, hissing, squeezing.

“It hurts, doesn’t it?” Max whispers in my ear.

I can’t see him. My eyes are gone, melted, mushy puddles with scraggly optic nerves in the hallow sockets of my skull.

“I know it does,” he continues.

I can’t speak. My lips have cracked and peeled away, revealing not quite straight teeth, slightly yellowed by coffee and severely darkened by heat and flame.

“Is it still fair?” he asks. “Is it still right?”

My muscles are crisp and brittle. I fear moving. I wish only for unconsciousness, for death, for anything to relieve the pain of incessant burning, burning, burning.

Then darkness. Cool and crisp darkness like an autumn night.

I hear him snort in disgust behind me, but I am frozen in place, unable to turn, to blink, to breath.

“Yeah, I come across as an a$$,” he says. “I deal with it. It's not my problem if someone doesn't like me.”

“No,” I think because I cannot speak, “It’s mine.”

“Exactly,” he says.

The rain comes. It is cold, heavy, and blinding.

Nightscape

I am hopelessly weak,
And can only struggle for my sanity.
I am pulled back to There,
Where I once dreamed;
Where I finally died.
Where I found life
Only after I escaped
Terrible skull-shattering screams
Echo inside me,
Then I realize
They are my own.
I tear myself from that dark corner,
Only to find myself submerged;
I can’t see where I am going.
It’s dark outside, up there
Wherever there really is
I don’t know
...I never reach the surface.

Drive Safely

When my daughter was a senior in high school she was part of a program where they tried to show the kids the dangers of drinking and driving. It was all coordinated with the local police and firemen, they staged an accident in front of the school complete with a couple of pretend dead and injured kids, they "arrested" one girl and booked her at the police station, they took a group to the morgue, and every hour they would remove on of the participants from class and read their obituary over the loud speaker in a metaphor for how often some one dies in a drunk driving accident. All this was filmed and put together for an assembly that we were invited to.

Part of my participation was to write my daughter's obituary. I was cleaning out some of my writing files this morning and found it. I am sitting here right now with tears streaming down my face rereading this and thinking of how fragile it all is. All four of my children are well and healthy and now 22, 21, 20 & 20, but in a moment that can change. Please, always drive safe and sane, my babies are out there with you.

Here is what I wrote for that day (remember, this was a school event to show the costs of drunk driving, my daughter didn't really die)...


Jessica Mae
Born – September 19, 1988 – Died May 23, 2006

Jessica, beloved daughter of Laura and Kenneth died because of the horrendous mistake of a person who got behind the wheel of their car drunk. Jessica was loved for her generous spirit, her warm friendship and her love of life. She was a good student who had only recently learned of her acceptance into the freshman class at the University of California Riverside. She dreamed of studying English and History and wanted to use her education to make a difference in the lives of others.

Jessica loved to help others and was the LinkCrew commissioner at Etiwanda High School. She shared her love of learning with others, tutoring and reading to young children.

Her parents and siblings - Matthew, Aimee and Mitchell survive Jessica. Her maternal grandparents Nancy and Rick and her paternal grandparents Pat and Chuck also survive her. She will be missed by her aunts, uncles, cousins and all of her many friends.

He who has gone, so we but cherish his memory, abides with us, more potent, nay, more present than the living man. - Antoine de Saint Éxupéry

Trilogy of Sorrow

Seems so much time has passed
since I last looked down,
I've been too busy living
that I forgot where I lived.
Now as the day draws to an end
I must remember where my bed is.

To seek you would be an atrocity of my faith.
My fortitude compromised by
soft caresses,
flaying me open
leaving my true heart bleeding,
pumping red
all over the floor.
I held my heart close to me
so it wouldn't break,
and cracked it against my own hard head.
To be with you again,
would be a dream
but even dreams must end.

Ten more years and I'll forget you.
Five more years and I'll try.
I couldn't say it the last time I saw you,
in your arms, I die
I hold your memory with shaking fingers
Tempted to keep it that way
The day that I told you I love you
Has long since passed away
Now I walk alone
Footfalls in the freezing snow
A soft crunching in the wind
As I try my damnedest to let you go.
Keeping your company is not for me
And two more years would add up quick
In the night I'll still adore you
Standing in the rain and heartsick.

Ode to my Muse

Hoping for a big bang of an introduction, my Muse runs off in search of smut. Yeah, figures. Welcome to my world.

So, in lieu of my brilliance, I give you brilliant song lyrics that will, no doubt, wake up my Muse so that she’s harassing me with ideas at 3am again.

Dysfunctionally Yours,

Pia

Song To Say Goodbye by Placebo

You are one of God's mistakes,
You crying, tragic waste of skin.
I'm well aware of how it aches,
And you still won't let me in.
Now I'm breaking down your door
To try and save your swollen face.
Though I don't like you anymore,
You lying, trying waste of space.

Before our innocence was lost,
You were always one of those,
Blessed with lucky sevens,
And the voice that made me cry.
My, Oh My.

You were Mother Nature's son,
Someone to whom I could relate.
Your needle and your damage done
Remains a sordid twist of fate.
Now I'm trying to wake you up,
To pull you from the liquid sky.
'Cause if I don't we'll both end up
With just your song to say goodbye.
My, Oh My.

A song to say goodbye
A song to say goodbye
A song to say...

Before our innocence was lost,
You were always one of those,
Blessed with lucky sevens,
And the voice that made me cry.

It's a song to say goodbye.

Unwanted.

I go by Carrie, but you can call me Shadows if you like. Without further ado...a poem for your enjoyment:

Unwanted

A brief span of mockery
thus defined their outlaw ways
tempted by love and lust, drained
through the hole at the bottom of their fading hearts
They held hands together every moment; clasping
fingers sensitive to learn
that the body is hopeful,
but the struggles of the soul
are intended to be lost.

A Lovely Quote To Unbrighten Your Day

"It's easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will reject you or die."

~Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club)

Half Jack

Half Jack by the Dresden Dolls

half underwater
i'm half my mother's daughter
a fraction's left up to dispute
the whole collection
half off the price they're asking
in the halfway house of ill repute

half accidental
half pain
full instrumental
i have a lot to think about
you think they're joking?
you have to go provoke him...
i guess it's high time you found out

it's half biology and half corrective surgery gone wrong
you'll notice something funny if you hang around here for too
long ago in some black hole before they had these pills to take it back
i'm half jill
and half jack

two halves are equal
a cross between two evils
it's not an enviable lot
but if you listen
you'll learn to hear the difference
between the halves and the half nots

and when i let him in i feel the stitches getting sicker
i try to wash him out but like they say, "the blood is thicker..."
i see my mother in my face
but only when i travel
i run as fast as i can run
but jack comes tumbling after

and when i'm brave enough and find a clever way to kick him out
and i'm so high not even you and all your love could bring me down
on 83rd he never found the magic words to change this fact:
i'm half jill
and half jack

i'm halfway home now
half hoping
for a showdown
cause i'm not big enough to house this crowd
it might destroy me
but i'd sacrifice my body
if it meant i'd get the jack part out

see!see!
jack!jack!
run!run!
jack!jack!
run!run!
jack!jack!
run!run!
jack!jack!
see!see!
jack!jack!
run!jack!jack!run!
run!see!
jack!jack!
see!run!
run!see!
see!run!
jack!jack!
see!run!
jack!jack!
run!run!
jack!jack!
jack!see!
run!jack!
see!run!
jack!see!
run!jack!jack!run!
run!jack!jack!run!
RUN!JACK!RUN!

Twelve

She stood with her back against the wall
counting the grey tiles between
herself and the doorway

They went in, they came out, none spoke to her
She stood with her back against the wall
twelve tiles between her and seeing him

She heard the cry of agony
twelve steps would take her to him
instead she turned away, faced the wall weeping

Twelve steps were not enough this night
to keep her from harming
the one who had tried to save her


Written from the prompt at Daily Writing Practice Empty Hallway

RIP

There was no denial of it, there was no covering it up, there is only the raspy, labored breaths and the harsh reality that all that lives must end one day, and bitterly underneath that was the fact that I cannot change it, I can only witness it. My husband is driving like a bat out of hell and talking but I do not hear him because I am lost in my storm of desperate and maddening thoughts while Boo stands in the backseat trying to balance himself in the middle, sticking his Bulldog face up between the front seats. He is drooling like never before and now there are secretions coming from his nose, as I wipe at them I wonder if this is how it ends, drowning in his own fluids? I look out the front window crying like a child for a moment, in an attempt to escape this ache in my heart but then sucking in a deep breath and unbuckling my seat belt I kneel on the passenger side seat so that I am facing into the back where Boo looks at me, stops pacing and for the first time in 24 hours lays down. I put my hands on him and he is still breathing as I begin to softly talk to him of how I love him and how wonderful he is, I plead for him to hang on a little bit longer, we are almost there I tell him, attempting to reassure myself. Within less than a minute, I realize he has stopped breathing, he won’t respond to me, not my voice, not my touch, he is gone and I am changed forever.

Mon Amour

Mon Amour

My heart used to leap
When you hold me in your arms
But now my heart, it weeps
For you’re taken by her charm

My cheeks used to blush
When you look me in the eye
Then you’ll give me a kiss
And release a contented sigh

You loved to touch my hair
And call me ‘Mon amour’
So gradually I lost you
And my heart does beat no more


So, belated happy Valentine's Day... I guess.
Well, I spent my Valentine's day alone at home, locked up in my room, sucking my Valentine's day themed lollipops, watching Burnt Notice and Paranormal State reruns.
Fun! Of course, in a satirical sense (but I love watching those shows and eating lollipops).
Now, I'm out of those stupid heart-shaped lollipops and Blow Pops and Chupa Chups.
Though, sucking lollipops are kind of exhausting and it hurts the ceiling of your mouth.
I also think that some part of my orifice bled because I tasted blood.
What a lovely mental image.
So what did everybody else, who had a love life and those who didn't (like me), do last saturday?

Shake The Disease

Shake The Disease by Depeche Mode

I'm not going down on my knees,
Begging you to adore me
Can't you see it's misery
And torture for me
When I'm misunderstood
Try as hard as you can, I've tried as hard as I could
To make you see
How important it is for me

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these

Understand me

Some people have to be
Permanently together
Lovers devoted to
Each other forever
Now I've got things to do
And I've said before that I know you have too
When I'm not there
In spirit I'll be there

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these

Understand me

Sorry people, I couldn't find a good YouTube version of the original by DM. So here's Hooverphonic's version, which is just as good...maybe even better with a girl singing. Hm?... Strange though, I noticed Hooverphonic omit the "understand me" line in their version. Interesting...I wonder why.
Oh & hope you all had a lovely Valentine's Day! Deadly X's & O's~Eve

The Point

The Point by Skold

[*Repost: 'Cause I just put up a video of this song from YouTube*]

Love. Blood. War.
Design. Deceit. Control.

There’s no one here for everyone.
Just stick around until I’m gone.
I love you so, it hurts.
For whatever that it’s worth.
And all the dark will fade away.
The rumors and the lies.
And no one will remember if you even said goodbye.

What’s the point in dying
When the world thinks you’re already dead?
What’s the point in crying
With the rain beating down on your head?

Greed. Hate. Lust.
Divine. Disgust. Distrust.

Happiness comes in a pill,
off a fifteen story windowsill.
You long until I die,
or at least until I try.
The afterworks told me nothing.
Our problem still persists.
So think about the stories,
and the bullshit that you’ll miss.

What’s the point in dying
When the world thinks you’re already dead?
What’s the point in crying
With the rain beating down on your head?
What’s the point in lying
If no one believes what you say?
What’s the point in dying
If you’re already dead anyway?
If you’re already dead anyway?
If you’re already dead anyway?

I hope you will remember me.
At least say so to comfort me.
You say goodbye so easily.
It’s now or never.

It may seem really pitiful but,
life became too beautiful.
The pain of love unbearable.
It’s now or never.
Gone forever…




A lil' FYI: Tim Skold is one of my fave musicians/lyricists of all-time. He usually just goes by Skold in his many projects. This song is from a CD that never got released but I found the whole thing online a while back. But of course it was on the internet! It was around 5-6 songs with awesome music & lyrics. I'm going to probably post a good amount of his lyrics here because they are just so great to me.

Broken

i am the loose thread in the weave

the black sheep

that you percieve

the piece of the puzzle

that fell on the floor

lost for the ages

ever more

the one who cried

and made the most noise

the one who pained

and felt little joy

what did you do

to make me fear

enough to sleep with a kitchen knife near

what was I thinking in my childs head

to hide on the floor

beside my bed

i waited for darkness

to keep me safe

i waited to grow up

and get away

but now you see

i am haunted still

by the mother who hated

and the daughter who feared

Wonder

Wonder written by Eve

I just wonder why.
Why he said those things.
Why he said we couldn't be together.
Why I wasn't the one.

I fell for him from the moment I saw him.
I always felt like I was shaking when we spoke.
My stomach was twisted in knots because I felt something.
And I know he did too.

He seemed so caring in the beginning...
But confused.
And I wanted to help him...
But he wouldn't let me.

He said he was too crazy for me.
He said he would bring me down.
He said he wasn't good enough for me.
But I don't know if all that would've been true...
Because he never gave us a chance.

Over time...
He said very cruel things to me...
And slowly he broke my heart.

And I wondered...
Why did I feel so much pain...
Caused from a person I barely even knew?

Now...
He says he's happy.
He says he's happy with her...
But I don't know if that's true.
But I shouldn't care anymore...
Because his face makes me sick to my stomach now.

I just wonder...
If he only knew how bad he hurt me...
Maybe he'd wish he wouldn't have said those things.
Or maybe not.

I just can't help but to wonder...
From time to time...
Why he ended things before anything even began.

And I wonder...
Why he could love her...
And not me.

But I shouldn't care anymore.
I should know better.
I should know that I was never the problem.
But I can't help but to wonder...
Every now and then.~

*Quick Note: It's past midnight, and I really edited this from what you may have seen earlier. The version I wrote earlier today was done pretty quickly before work and I thought I was content with it, but when I came home, I felt like changing things a bit. I thought with Valentine's Day in the air, I'd feel more happy but for some reason it's bringing mixed emotions.

Maybe it's because I recently saw this person. My boyfriend said (when I saw this guy) "Why do you care if he sees you?"...because I saw him but I tried hard so he wouldn't see me. I just didn't want to be anywhere near him. I didn't want to "run into him." Seeing him brings back nothing but bad memories. I definitely would not want to say "Hi" if he did say something to me. I'm doing well in my life now but when I see him (every blue moon) those awful & strange feelings come rushing back...and I don't know why.

What's A Girl To Do?

What's A Girl To Do? from the album Fur & Gold
by Bat For Lashes

We walked arm in arm
But I didn't feel his touch
A desire I'd first tried to hide,
That tingling inside was gone
And when he asked me:
'do you still love me?'
I had to look away
I didn't want to tell him
That my heart grows colder with each day

When you loved so long
That the thrill is gone
And your kisses at night
Are replaced with tears
And when your dreams are on
A train to train-wreck town
Then I ask you now, what's a girl to do?

He said he'd take me away
That we'd work things out
And I didn't want to tell him
But it was then I had to say
Over the times we've shared
It's all blackened out
And my bat lightning heart
Wants to fly away

When you loved so long
That the thrill is gone
And your kisses at night
Are replaced with tears
And when your dreams are on
A train to train-wreck town
Then I ask you now, what's a girl to do?

What's a girl to do?
What's a girl to do?
What's a girl to do?

Heaven's Hell

Hooray!
It's another day! And... I have homework. Japanese teachers are so cruel. And I survived picture day at school. Anyways, as I tried to desperately straighten my hair (and burn it in the process, bleh) my S***ty (am I allowed to say that?) best friend just decided to study (or just make a cheat sheet). Either way, I think we're starting to influence each other too much. ~lesigh.
Anyways, here's another gloomy poem from my collection.

Enjoy the sadness, lovelies.

Heaven's Hell


Full moon casts its lurking shadows
Brisk wind drifted to the silent landscape
Despite the inherent beauty of the night itself
In the grasp of nightmare nothing could escape

She was caught between remnant thoughts
A horrid dream of despair and fear
Condemned to watch this horror film
Her eyes shed more than a single tear

It played on the canvas of her closed eyelids
She struggled hard, trying to wake
She lay there helpless and alone
Fighting through the morbid death sake

Suddenly she shot up in her bed
Eyes wide and bloodshot from trauma
Looked around in her large darkened room
But found hollowness in a stoic persona

Ethereal materials surrounded her pale face
She felt the trepidation in her trembling body
Stripped stark-naked of all her defenses
She felt betrayed of what she thought would make her happy

And all this caused her irrevocable dolent
Caused her too much inevitable pain
All this so-called blessings gave her nothing but torment
And her sole companion was nothing but the rain

Tears slowly drifted in her pallid cheeks
All this sadness she's got no one to tell
She wanted to scream but can't bare speak
And she realized she was living in a Heaven's Hell

waiting

The wind blew her tears sideways on her face drawing lines through the dirt and sweat that already smeared her cheeks. She sat, barefoot on the cold, steel underbelly of the bridge holding onto the rail that jutted out at an odd angle, dangling her feet below. She waited as the police with their sirens arrived and began to close off traffic from each side of the bridge. Waited still as a negotiator came near and made small talk, that fell on unhearing ears. She waited until she could wait no more, the wind lifted her hair and cooled her skin, as she looked down and let go. She was falling in what seemed like slow motion, head over heal until she was swallowed by the water below and the waiting became someone else's burden.

Dear Mom and Dad

Hi everyone.
I'm Vivy and I'm new here (obviously). Well, there's not much I can say, so here's a poem I made myself. Hope you enjoy. :]


Dear Mom and Dad

I’m sorry I’m not that perfect
I’m sorry I’m not that smart
I’m sorry that I fell in love
I’m sorry I can’t stop my heart

Dear Mom and Dad
I’m sorry I’m not that pretty
I’m sorry I’m not that nice
I’m sorry I can no longer please you
I’m just tired of all the lies

Dear Mom and Dad

Sorry I have a lot of imperfections
I’m sorry I have a lot of flaws
Sorry I didn’t meet your expectations
I’m sorry I broke some of your laws

Dear Mom and Dad

So now I take my leave
My apologies I bid you
Don’t worry I won’t live
Just remember that I love you

P.S.Sorry for my bloody mess.

She's got the whole world in her hands...

I was crying, not the sobbing, moaning type but instead the silent scared kind of tears that slid down my cold red cheeks only to be frozen on my scarf which your beautiful little head was nuzzling into for warmth. We waited for the bus as the blizzard kept on, the freezing wind biting my cheeks as I did my best to shield you from the cold. After a while I gave up on waiting and began walking down Peterson Avenue in the direction of home stopping along the way as needed to put you, your diaper bag and my purse down in order to stretch my arms and back. You would look up at me scared and cold, demanding to be picked back up with your little arms reached out and your eyes pleading just above your little cherry nose. I move ungracefully in the 2 feet of snow and I no longer feel my toes but you nuzzle your face in the warmth of my neck and your runny nose takes my warmth as I make my way through the drift's of snow where the sidewalk once was. Eventually I stopped looking back for the bus, stopped hoping it would come and understood that I was on my own, you were completely in my hands and the sheer enormity of that brought fresh tears to my eyes as I kept on making my way home.

Snakes and Spiders

She said the high point of the weekend's excursion was tripping over a green snake. Snake. My worst nightmares are Freudian night movies of falling and snakes. The thought of camping on the same ground that a green snake calls home or highway is unsettling. Getting into my sleeping bag and curling up to a green snake would cure me instantly of my perennial itch for the Great Outdoors. At the bottom of the tent entrance is an opening between side and bottom zippers large enough for a cat to pass through if it skinnied itself. Definitely not a problem for a day-glo chartreuse snake.

When she yelled out to me, "snake" I expected the usual variety of green and black garter snake. They are as common as worms. Any other snake is foreign and equally unnerving.

Memories do not fade quickly when it comes to snakes. Years ago, the sighting of a six foot granite-red and sand-tan snake near the house makes me wary of the place even now. Walking up the railroad tie steps between the lower yard and the house, I am unaware a bull snake is sleeping on a step. I leap two steps when I spot the sleeping giant, heart in my mouth. Coming home from work, I'm directed to the backyard. A snake crawls out of a drainpipe. Above the white PVC culvert, a squirrel is poised to attack. The crunch of the squirrel's teeth on the snake's skin is loud and disturbing. The snake fights back biting the squirrel once, then twice in the area below its neck. The squirrel beats a retreat.

I'm not afraid of spiders. I should be more afraid. She's not afraid of snakes, but spiders strike terror in her heart. I intellectualize that snakes and spiders are as important as bats in the ecosystem. My mind is a strange jumble of fear and information.

A friend shows me her shoulder. In a motel room in a small northern Wisconsin blurb, she is bitten by a wolf spider. The shoulder looks like the aftermath of a bout with a prize fighter. An area the size of a grapefruit just below the top of the shoulder is multi-colored red and purple. The pictures from the emergency room visit are equally disturbing. I turn my head. I remember a camping trip in Canada. A man comes through the same portage. With a canoe on my shoulders avoiding rocks strewn in the path, I look at his face. His lip is huge. When he talks, his lower lip flaps like a small pancake.

An important point of communication arises, prompted by spider stories.. Because I do not share the same fear of spiders, I dismiss her feelings with an insensitive, "Ah, what are ya afraid of?" Then, an image pops up in my mind. She's lying in bed wrapped in bandages. Guilt and shame follow. Would she rush you to the hospital when bitten by a snake? Of course, she would.

In a relationship simple problems can make communication difficult. Sometimes the solutions are simple, too. All one really has to do is communicate. Talk to me. Humor softens terrible times. In an ironic twist, my sister tells me of her daughter's husband. He's walking to the convenience store for a six pack of beer. Along the way, he spots a snake in the bushes. He's intrigued and not at all afraid. Toying with the snake with a stick, the snake bites him on the arm. Undaunted, he purchases his beer. On the way home he realizes he has a problem. If he leaves his beer at home and goes to the emergency room, his no 'count brother will drink the beer. Solution, drink the beer and then go to the hospital. The flight for life helicopter transfers him from Georgia to another state because they do not have enough anti-snake venom. He dies in flight.

The snake in the picture? A stuffed reminder not to be afraid. The snake sits atop an old record player at the far end of the living room. Locals tell of a year when the drought was so severe, rattlesnakes descend the limestone cliffs looking for water. I live 100 yards from a river. It'll be difficult to sleep tonight.

Grump Certificate

Feel free to copy and adjust wording to suit your

needs and current grumpy person in your life.

Just one of those days

o.k. i was anxious to get out of the house for a little while before work, but let me tell you PEOPLE are CRAZY out there today! something's in the water i swear. i just went to a couple places and people were just SO rude. examples: running their carts into my cart while i shopped, brushing against me in the stores, not stopping their cars right away when i'm walking across to my car in the parking lot, standing in doorways like idiots-blocking me from leaving, and the best thing happened when i was driving home...

you know how when a lane is ending (sign ahead says "right lane closed" or whatever), and you happen to be in that lane...and not on purpose of course. well, some freak in a minivan saw me trying to get into the left lane (my turn signal was on to get over & everything) and decides to drive as fast as he could so i'd either be practically slamming my car into the sign (and the electronic arrow blinking sign too) or into his van. and before long, i was SO close from him smashing into the side of my car so i could get out of that lane. how nice, right!?? i was thinking "well, he's gonna let me through...i will definitely hit this sign if he doesn't." but NO. people can be so rude some days. i was just so glad to get home.

but now i gotta get going to work (hopefully that'll be o.k.). so i'm off to the again, (hopefully) decent roads & people on it. do you ever have one of those days were one thing after the other keeps on happening? today was a day where it made me really want to stay in my house when people act like that. and i wasn't even out long at all either, ugh! hopefully, that's the end of it.

(Silent) Poetry Reading

Giving Up

I gave up on Writing today.
He was quite
upset with me.

“You have nothing to offer me.
Nothing published, no
acceptance letter in the mail.
What do I need you for?” I said.

“But
I give you beauty and understanding.”
he answered simply.

“Ha! I
understand.
I understand that I give until the little
drops of blood
fall onto the paper
and no one will pay me for any of it.
What do I need
you for?”

Writing was sullen and turned his back on me.

The view
out the window dulled.
The air grew heavy and pressed down on me.
Colors
all faded to a sickly grey.
Joy, once my inspiration, gasped for breath.

______________________________________________


Offered for the Gold Puppy Blog Fourth Annual (Silent) Poetry Reading. I posted one at A Bit of Laura Jayne too, but thought might be okay to have a bright and pretty one there and a bit darker poem here for your silent reading. If you are inspired to share on your blog do let me know.
What?
A Bloggers (Silent) Poetry Reading
When?
Anytime February 2, 2009
Where?
Your blog
Why?
Some poetry is warming. It cracks the ice in the heart of the Earth to remind her that spring is just around the corner. Or ... if you live south of the equator, choose poetry to cool the heart of the Earth so as to remind her fall is coming.
How?
Select a poem you like - by a favorite poet or one of your own - to post February 2nd.
What else?
Feel free to pass this invitation on to any and all bloggers.

Addiction

Addiction from the album Cleanse Fold and Manipulate
by Skinny Puppy

desperate deranged talking in my sleep again eyes twitch

retain a sentimental something looked lorn and we burned and burned

I was a cinder body soul in my dreams breakdown amidst the mixtures

avoid addictive plea responding disillusion encrusted cruelty describe

why nails enclose me eating so evenly there exists a lot of reasons

to support fatality abstience possessed hardly what you think it is

hearts beat positive provided there's progress ignorance does insist of

the right coffin took some food offered me can't see myself drank the

wine wished the feverish burst of terror breakdown amidst the

mixtures avoid addictive plea insist that nothing happened chilled

bloodless fatigue recharge with bitterness fanatics beckoning mistook

a look impassioned absorbed with clarity consciousness drifts away

discarded memory packaged shelf life bad display breakdown amidst

the mixtures avoid addictive plea excessive near romances comfort

is treachery so pound the nails in tight eyes screaming out of sight

against a grain like curtain unbearably alive