Join Us in Despair

You know when you were a kid and your diary was full of angst and woe-is-me-ness? That is what this blog is for. Lost your job, dog is sick, someone stole your parking spot, crashed your car, just generally glum? This is the place to put all that lovely grey and those long drawn out sighs.

Lists of sad songs. Depressing movie reviews. Top ten reason to stay in bed. All things not happy. Bring them here.

Are you sick, are you tired? Have you been sick & tired for a year? Share it here. Unhappy, gloomy, dismal, down in the dumps, miserable only. Did you have a bad day, a month... share. Not that tragedy and despair can't be funny, contributors are welcome to make their posts goofy, witty, laugh-out-loudable, just not happy or upbeat.

Would you like to be part of the DD&D project? Do you have a sad story, a rant, a poem of a lost love? Join us as a contributor.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Save Her

What if she told you that everything about her
Is filled with half truths and lies?
What if all that she said, were full of scorn
And hate and guile?

Darling, watch that black crow
Everything about her has been all a show

She’s been living in a disguise
And lately it’s been so enjoying
But what is freedom in its purest form
When the possessor is hiding

She dances in her own music
The words roll out of her tongue
The orchestra will never stop playing
Breathing a symphony for her every wrong

It’s her addiction, compulsion, and her fatal mistake
Her eyes can see more than she’s showing
And her mind knows more than her telling
But she’ll never bleed

Once she falls, you’ll never know
She’ll keep it her dirty little secret
She’ll maintain the show

Go on, save her, she’s breaking.

Photo Credit

Monday, July 20, 2009

Dead Scrolls

You are the only one that makes me feel truly naked, I
burn and bleed and wink at these dead scrolls that
lie across my hood, strapped on with sinew twine.

Deepest truths are often hidden beneath pale lips and
not until something's said are they finally known
like black beetles; shining carapaces vibrating with pulse.

A life that you helped take, waste and wring out to dry
shriveled and whitened, bleached and boned,
gutted and hung
like crustacean pearls on a guitar string.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

A Healthy Dose of Insanity

Smiling are my lips
Sinful are my words
Suppressed emotions; tongues that slip
Leads to the bereavement of the world

Held you close, your body cold
I watched your bloody beauty
We were laughing, crying
Tumbling soundly into ecstasy

♥Vivy's Nonsense: My, my, I missed you all! :]

Photo Credit ♥

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Gravity - A Perfect Circle

Lost again
Broken and weary
Unable to find my way
Tail in hand
Dizzy and clearly unable to
Just let this go

I am surrendering
to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me, heal me
lift me back up to the sun

I choose to live.

I fell again
Like a baby unable to stand on my own
Tail in hand
Dizzy and clearly, unable to just let this go
High and surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me, heal me
lift me back up to the sun

I choose to live.

Catch me, heal me
lift me back up to the sun
Help me survive the bottom

Calm these hands before they
Snare another pill and
Drive another nail down another
Needy hole
please release me

I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me, heal me
lift me back up to the sun

I choose to live.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009


As you sit in the emergency room,
a toddler climbing restlessly all about you
no extra hands in sight,
to help
to hold

Your eyes puffy from tears
of how you got to this place
how your life fell so off course
Or perhaps from
the pain in your
shoulder, hand, face or arm
fresh bruising
as the sunrises

But you stay
allowing another person to treat you
in a way
that shows no love
no honor
whittles away at you
a bit at a time

The scar tissue takes hold
in side of us
a place
doctors cannot reach
or mend
and we sit
you and I
for our names to be called
our turn
our time
as we glance at one another

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Watch Me Fall

Fantasy and reality tumbled together
Two worlds crashed as one
As details became hazy and blurred
Dreams turned existent and
So did the nightmares
And monsters in my closet
What used to be real
Seemed like a far-fetched delusion
And I continued to fall
Even in confusion, gravity
Could not be disobeyed
I am Alice in Wonderland
Watch me fall

Photo Credit

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Random Temptation

Tempted to just toss it all out
fill it up again
Check my watch to be sure
Something's sinking in
Wash it thoroughly
This memory's gonna fade
Take it through the heat
Let the edges fray
Tenderize it slowly
Push it to the edge
Eat it while it's still moving
And claw my way to my deathbed.

Sink and slow.
Ten and eight
Live it long

Take it back.

Take it back.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Hush, Little Suzie

Hush, little Suzie

Don’t shed another tear

For the rain will stop soon

And you’ll be able to run home

Hush, little Suzie

Just smile for now

I see the rainbow coming

And soon will follow a ray of sun

Hush, little Suzie

It will all go away

Soon the playground will be filled with laughter

And your heart will be, too

Smile, little Suzie

Laugh while you can

You’re still young and the world is cruel

But smile for now

‘Cause tomorrow is another battle

♥ Vivy's Nonsense: Hi. I just wrote this out of impulse, boredom, and fatigue.

Here's the Photo Credit.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

A Song of Revenge


In this world, life's a race
You must never let anybody take over you...
In this world, make your place
You must stand up against everyone and fight...

If somebody gets you, don't let go
You have to give it back, XIII-fold
Dont leave that scar alone, ohhh-oh...
For it's gonna deepen till it hurts
And you've gotta screm out loud
Regretting your stupid action
Of letting him get away with it!

It's the only way to go
You must never leave it alone
Or it'll take over you
And consume your soul...
I have avenged
My former self
I know the sweet taste... Of Revenge...

It's time, to pay back
The one who destroyed you...
It's time, to take Revenge
You've gotta reveal the other side of you...

You've gotta know, certain things
Of the sweet art of Vengeance
You've gotta pay back with all your power...
And teach the enemy
The crushin' Lesson of Revenge
And leave him behind
To bite the dust!

It's the only path to take
To annihilate
Your gratest enemy
Your arch-nemesis...
You've gotta do it
You won't regret it
You must know the sweet taste... Of Revenge...

It's the only way to go
You must never leave it alone
It's the perfect chance
To reveal your darker side...
I have avenged
My former self
I know the sweet taste...
Of Revenge...

Revenge is sweet...

♥ Vivy's Nonsense: Not mine. Just posted for a friend's friend's request. You know the deal. Also, written as requested by the author. No changes were made at all.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I Saw Mommy Kissing Someone Else

I saw Mommy kissing someone else
And he wasn’t my Dad

Why was mommy kissing him?
He’s not my Dad

Mommy loves Daddy, right?
And Daddy loves Mommy, right?

I cover my ears with my pillow
But they’re still too loud

I could hear them through my door
Screaming, yelling, shouting; so angry

Why won’t they stop?
I cry and cry and cry
But they can’t hear me

I hug teddy close to me because he’s scared
And I’m scared too
Please make them stop
Please make them stop
Please! Please! Please!

They stopped then—bam!
The front door slams

Then I heard the car and vroom! Screech!

No more.

I don’t want to look out my window
I didn’t want to see

I don’t know what was going on
And I didn’t want to know

I just want to stay here in the dark
With my teddy, and we’ll pray for it to be okay
And it will be okay because
Mommy said God loves me and He’ll make it okay for me

♥Vivy's Nonsense: again, credit for the photo:
Hope you enjoyed it. :]

Saturday, May 9, 2009

What's it Like to Lose?

It’s ridiculous!
It’s humiliating!
It’s atrocious!
It’s unspeakable!

To lose to sex, drugs, and alcohol

I’ve never lost in my life
And this by far is the most mortifying loss I’ve ever had

To lose your best friend;
Your confidant;
Your non-biological sister;

To lose a whole world of whimsical childhood memories;
Shared laughs, tears, sweets, and juvenile secrets

Memories of favorite songs, first crushes and first kisses
Gossip bonanzas during sleepovers, and laughable pranks
All those lost and wasted promises

To care for very few people, to trust hardly anybody at all
And to lose.
You could’ve just ripped off my main artery and that would’ve been less painful

♥ Vivy's Nonsense: Ok, so, I just feel totally awful. My gosh, I'm so tired right now. Oh, and credit for the photo:

Friday, May 8, 2009

Stood Up

They made plans with me for tonight. I turned down three other things to do. Then at 4 this afternoon... "Oh, we have decided we aren't going to go to the play after all."

So I am here... alone (hubby is working) writing this. I could rant and rave a bit more, but I think instead I will just go to bed.

The Interviews

So we have a job to fill, in this market, this economy, a wonderful thing to offer?

but as I interview person after person, my heart is breaking... the desperation is evident in so many of them, and I view them and I think - I'm sorry, but you are not up to this.. you are being caught out, you are in trouble, you are losing your job and you know your skills are failing you, you havent been trained, you've been caught in a bad place... they've let you down.. you WERE good...

I dont mind turfing out the bullshit artists, the fakers, the ones who blagged their way in - but the good people who I see and to who.. I have to say no.... but because of our Laws, I have to leave them waiting in hope for 2 weeks.....

And Christ its breaking my heart - I want to hire them, train them, help them, these are not bad people, they need help, they've been caught at a bad time in the economy and they dont deserve to lose their houses..... but the company is not a charity....

Not a good post I know, but certainly feeling the despair this week.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

memories haunt

in the

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Hospitals Smell Like Death

Hospitals smell like death
No, really, they do
Their cold, white linoleum floors
And piercing bright lights that hurt my eyes
They smell clean—chlorine?
Clean but disgusting
Like the smell of sick and dead people
Forcefully buried by the scent of that chemical

I hate that place
Too much deaths and failing hopes

It’s like a big white expensive mausoleum for the damned
Built to make you sicker
And make you die slower

Built to give you false hope
To dream of a nonexistent tomorrow
Like a rainbow painted coffin

♥ Vivy's Nonsense: Sorry. I came from the hospital today to visit my--nevermind. Anyways, I just really want to express my personal hatred for hospitals and used it as an inspiration for this thingy because I've had writer's block for so long. It's not much of an inspiration, I know. ~lesigh. I still hate hospitals. Always have, always will. Oh, and all the images I've been using for all my posts are from I should start giving kudos to the photographers or something. This photo's link is I don't know, I just kind of felt like it was my responsibility to give them credits. I'll try to do that from now on, I guess.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Physical Expressions of Grief

Slump over. The slump is a good expression of misery that most people can recognize.
If that doesn't work, then let the corners of your mouth turn down. Ever noticed how some people get old and seem to have a permanently sad expression while others seem to look happy even when they're at rest? It's those mouth corners.
Well, here's another one, a bit old fashioned but it works: wring your hands. It physically expresses powerlessness. We do so much with our hands. Flinging them about says, "I can't do anything useful, I'm helpless."

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Four Letter Lie

Rose deep red like blood
Love so sweet like wine
Lovers engage in dance
Drunk in lust and lies

Her hair as dark as midnight
Her diamonds shine in starlight
And though they gaze in each others’ eyes
Deception lies concealed behind

Flowers die and wither
In its ugly wake it litters
Beauties fade and vanish
Like lovers lie akin to sinners

♥Vivy's nonsense: Why is the blog dead? Where'd everybody go? :'(

Saturday, April 4, 2009

A Fading Fairytale

I take a bite at the poison apple

I suddenly start to fall

What a shame

What a horror

Clock strikes twelve and I runaway

Leaving my slippers made of glass

I watch behind me and I look away

Will we see each other in another day?

A kiss of love I yearn

For a kiss of love I wait

When will I ever learn?

There is nothing to debate

I remain asleep in tangled heartstrings

Waiting for my prince to wake me

Reality dawns; reveals its ugly bearings

He will never come to save me

It’s too soon to give up

But it’s too late to hope

I remain lifeless and sleeping

But there you are trying to cope

Don’t bother, my sweet, don’t waste

Just breathe, my love, don’t wail

Good bye, my darling, my heart

You can’t save this fading fairytale

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Listen to the Silence

The world is broken
Lies are spoken
People are blinded
By bright shiny things

Nobody sees
The darkness that crawls
Nobody cares
For mortals and fools

Nobody listens
To the calls of the living
Nobody hears
The silence that’s screaming

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Monday, March 23, 2009


Violet by Hole from the album Live Through This

And the sky was made of amethyst
And all the stars were just like little fish
You should learn when to go
You should learn how to say no

Might last a day yeah
Mine is forever
Might last a day, yeah
Mine is forever

When they get what they want, they never want it again
When they get what they want, they never want it again

Go on, take everything, take everything, I want you to
Go on, take everything, take everything, I want you to

And the sky was all violet.
I wanna give my violet more violence.
And I'm the one with no soul
One above and one below

Might last a day yeah
Mine is forever
Might last a day, yeah
Mine is forever

When they get what they want, they never want it again
When they get what they want, they never want it again

Go on, take everything take everything I want you to
Go on, take everything take everything I dare you to

I told you from the start just how this would end
When I get what I want I never want it again

Go on, take everything take everyting I want you to
Go on, take everything, take everything I want you to
Go on, take everything, take everything I want you to
Go on, take everything, take everything I want you to
Go on take everything take everything take everything take everything

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Don't Pray For Me

Don't Pray For Me by Skold

an extra mile to cross the line
I kiss my Judas one more time
I die... for your sin

life is simple, life is sweet
the perspective from down on your knees
will kill... you from with in

fortune and fame
torture and shame
think twice
before you speak

glory and blame
it's all the same
my game
is your defeat

don't pray for me
I don't need your sympathy
I don't want your god protecting me
don't pray for me
I don't want your empathy
I don't need your savior saving me
don't pray for me

I don't care what book you quote
your poison is my antidote
I don't burn
and I don't breathe

wrap that guilt up deep inside
religion as an alibi
what more... could you need?

fortune and fame
torture and shame
you still
don't understand

glory and blame
it's all the same
some things
go hand in hand

don't pray for me
I don't need your sympathy
I don't want your god protecting me
don't pray for me
I don't want your empathy
I don't need your savior saving me
don't pray for me

sacrifice the innocence
when you eliminate the decadence
you celebrate an enemy
who'll blind your eyes and steal your dreams

(I don't need your sympathy
I don't want your god protecting me
don't pray for me
I don't want your empathy
I don't need your savior saving me)

don't pray for me
I don't need your sympathy
I don't want your god protecting me
don't pray for me
I don't want your empathy
I don't need your savior saving me
don't pray for me

Monday, March 16, 2009

Letters of the Dying

I’ll never see my sweet sixteen

Don’t know when I'll see my friends again

I won’t see a glimpse of my debut

Or even practice my great adieu

I’ll never have a date for prom

Or get my hair done at the salon

I’ll never be able to get my license

Or get a new car as a present

I’ll never make a speech on my graduation

Or gush and be excited for my reunion

I won’t make it to my first job interview

Or be known for the things I knew

Nobody will ever give me an engagement ring

I’ll never get to pick a dress for my wedding

I’ll never have the chance to say ‘I do’

Or try to kiss my children’s boo-boo

I’m just an empty, hollow shell

A good for nothing little girl

I’ll never brighten my parents’ faces

Or fill up any empty, cold spaces

Friday, March 13, 2009

Naked As We Came

Bereavement Captivates the Sinners

Death shall hunt the sinners
Death shall hunt the saints
Death shall hunt the mortals
Death shall hunt with pain

Even the worst criminal
Possess a human heart
They mourn for their bereavement;
Succumb to pain in a clandestine art

♥Vivy's Blabs:

Well that was random.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

My Dearest Friend

My Dearest Friend written by Eve

I can't say I'm sorry because...
you never tried.
What do I mean to you?
I am never quite sure.

I am always there for you.
I always say "don't forget."
You always forget.
You are never there.

You blame your misery on me.
What did I do to deserve that?
I try to stay happy even when you make me sad...
or angry.

But I couldn't take it anymore.
And now you know...
how you've been and...
how I've been feeling...
for so long.

It's up to you to change things...

because I've given all that I can.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Why Me

Why Me from the album Skold Vs. Kmfdm

Black shadows, bleeding hearts, Blood in Blood out
Two Together, worlds apart, Blood in Blood out

Why, Why Me, Why Not

***This is a really great song. And there's not many more lyrics than this honestly. This is the part Skold sings. He must've written it cuz it has that Skold-vibe. These are the 1st words I've heard from him since he left KMFDM over 5 years ago. Yay, Skold is back to his good ol' dark self again & I couldn't be happier. If you'd like to hear more dark/gothic/industrial sounds please check out THIS.

Monday, March 9, 2009

File This under Disgrace

He is the monster in my nightmares.
He is the monster in my closet.
He is the monster under my bed.
He is the monster in the dark alley.
He is the monster in the darkness.
He is a monster.

And filthy monsters deserve to suffer for eternity.

When I close my eyes I could see him sneering.
Every time I’m alone I could hear his breathing.
When somebody touches me I feel him crawling under my skin; groping, touching, tarnishing my innocence.

I can feel him hurting me; forcing his filthy self into me.
I could hear him laughing.
I could see his eyes looking at me like his prey; his next helpless victim.

I feel his slimy tongue roaming over my body.
I feel him taking hold of me.

No matter how hard I try I could never remove him.
Never remove his skin, his smell, his voice, his filth.

Every time I run I could feel him chasing.
Every time I scream I could feel him coming closer.
And every time I could feel myself drowning.

And this is what it’s like to live everyday like your life is a living nightmare.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

I Wanted to Be a Mother

I wanted to be a mother
But not at the age sixteen
Maybe when I grow a little older
With a little more knowledge felt and seen

I never saw it coming
Never really thought of it before
Then my waistline went from three to six
That’s when I wondered a little a more

I didn’t think it was possible
The thought of me becoming prego
Maybe I was just naïve;
A slave of lust and my ego

I used to hate this thing
But I learned to love this bump
It might prevent me from partying
It also makes me moody and grump

My folks want me to get abortion
They want me to kill my baby
They said she’d be messed up and stupid
If I didn’t listen to what they say

But I wanted to be a mother
And I really loved my baby
So I gave her to a couple that would love her
Ones that could give her a proper family

Someday I’ll have another child
But she won’t be called a mistake
She’ll have a loving mother who used to be wild
And a father who’ll do anything for her sake

♥ Vivy's blabs:
Weird, eh?
Dedicated to those teenage moms out there.
Or maybe I just watch too much The Secret Life of an American Teenager. lol

Saturday, February 28, 2009


Untitled written by Eve Noir

I don't know if there's a heaven or a hell.
But if there were a place like hell...
I think it would be like this.

Locked in
No way out
You can't smell anything but sweat
You can hardly breathe
Constantly wondering if you'll ever leave
Every moment is an eternity
Considered crazy
Pill after pill to make you well...
even if your brain feels like it's frying
People stealing from one another
People losing their minds right in front of you
You begin to wonder who you really are too
You lose lose control
Afraid someone is going to hurt you...
even with "security" there
No one is really safe
No family around, no one there is a friend
You are so lonely that you can't help...
but to cry
Doctors assuming they know you...
but they have no idea
It's all a guessing game
The shocks will keep them from hurting themselves or hearing things...
so "they" say...
But it doesn't work sometimes
They're still the same...probably worse now
The pills fail sometimes...
and change them into monsters
The food makes you gag...
they think you're just an animal
Every day is the same
You think you'll leave tomorrow...
but tomorrow turns into...
another tomorrow.~

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


This story is based off of true situations.

Lydia lit a candle and began to wonder again. She wondered how much her life would change if things took a turn for the worse. She couldn't help but to wonder a lot lately. Her stomach knotted up when thinking about the possible outcome of her unfortunate position. Ultimately, her life would go back to square one. And she knew deep down that things would probably never get back to how they once were. Atleast not for a while.

Lydia had good friends, a sweet dog, and a nice home with a loving boyfriend. She never fully realized two things before hearing the news-how much freedom she had and how good her life truly was. Sadly, if she lost her home she shared with her boyfriend, she'd have no choice but to move back into her parents' home. And that was not a fun place to be. Her mother was great but her father and brother were different stories. Her father had quite the temper. He also hurt Lydia's feelings from time to time with his rude comments about the way she looked and acted. He never apologized and thought he was helping her by commenting on the way she lived her life. Lydia didn't quite understand that.

Lydia always thought she was a good person. But she had different interests that her father just didn't understand...would probably never understand. Oh my! Lydia likes skulls, she must worship the devil!, her father often implied. Lydia felt like she was a fairly normal girl but her father always made her feel so odd. She would try her best to avoid him when she lived there but sometimes there was no escaping.

Still, she could handle his temper and insults compared to what her brother was like. He was the main reason why she didn't want to move back. He was a compulsive liar, had issues with drugs and alcohol, and stole from everyone in the house, including Lydia. She didn't understand why her parents continued to let him live there while knowing he'd probably never get his act together. Lydia feared to live with him again. Sure, locks can be put on every single thing, but that's no way to live...NO ONE should have to live that way, Lydia thought.

Lydia felt great sadness when thinking of all these things lately. She couldn't help but to wonder if she'd go back to a life that made her scream inside every day. And with that very thought, she decided she was going to do everything she could to avoid that kind of life again. She was not going to passive. She finally felt some hope that things would work out. That maybe her life wouldn't change at all. "One day at a time, just one day at a time," she said to herself and then blew the candle out.~

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

File this under Dysfunction

There are two kinds of friends. The kind that hear that your voice is shot, ripped raw, and flinch, telling you to stop talking, maybe even offer you a cup of hot tea to soothe your throat. Then there is the kind of friend who hears you straining to speak and suddenly has sixteen questions that require detailed answers and couldn't possibly be answered with a nod of the head.

It seems I have the latter. In multitude.

Scared of the Dark

How can a simple closed door scare me so much?

See , in my dream , a recurring dream at least twice a week for ... oh more years than I care to admit, I turn on a light switch and the light doesnt work. None of the lights work, and I know its because someone in the house doesnt want them to work, someone is taking the light and waiting for me to run because when I run they will pounce.

I wake from this dream, the only nightmare I ever have where I am not in control of the dream, and I normally smile relief and roll over. Except today it was time to get up, so I turned on the lamp and it went "plink" and went out..... now all there is in the room is a closed door with a glow behind it and I know there were no other lamps on in the house, and as I puzzle this, the glow went out and there was no more light and its time to get up.

Suffer Well

I suffer well, though I am always alone
Terrified of the Midnight Highway
The burning-fire steeds trample me on their way home
I can't send a singular thought tonight
At a blazing pace of speed
Something akin to that of light.

I hold within, a dire need
A facade worth supervising to death
Simply wanting someone to want me
Without a last dash of breath

Every time I hold a thing so fragile and precious
I fall a little deeper into a trap
Sending my soul into a cycle tenacious
and ten-times worse than life.

Monday, February 23, 2009


Untitled written by Eve Noir

Time & time again, you've let me down
You're not my friend anymore...

I don't know what you are to me...
What you mean to me

Something ugly has grown inside you...

And it doesn't seem to be leaving anytime soon

You blame me, you blame others...

But you need a new person to blame

Try yourself for a change

I've done nothing but gone out of my way for you

And you say I'm never around

I'm always here, how many times do I need to say it?

Well, don't worry because I won't be saying it anymore

I'm really tired of you

Tired of trying, trying, and trying some more

I don't even want to look you in the eye

You're not the girl I once knew...

So fun & full of life

Your eyes are empty now

You're nowhere in sight

I'd help you out if you let me but...

You've made it clear that you think nothing is wrong

And then you wonder why no one is around for you anymore

I want to believe that you'll be my good friend...

As you once were

But you don't see that ugly thing inside...

Still eating away at you

I always thought I could count on you...

You always said you'd be there for me...

But you're not

Are you sorry?

I wish I could say I'm sorry but...

I didn't do anything wrong...
I just tried to be there for you...
But you wouldn't let me anyways

There's only so much I can do
I didn't give up on you...

You gave up on yourself

Maybe one day you'll be that girl I used to know again

And I hope you'll try

Because I do miss you



The outside is too dark

Even if I see the stars

Why don’t you come and save me?

Where are you, Mommy?

The big scary man laughed

He ripped my pretty dress

He pinned me to the ground

Said I wasn’t Daddy’s princess

He’s hurting me now

Over and over and over again

I’m begging him to stop

He doesn’t listen and gave me more pain

Daddy! Daddy! I called

Help me! Help me! I cried

I’m so young and I’m so cold

I couldn’t get away even if I tried

The big scary man pulled a knife

He punched me hard and cut me

I screamed when the knife scarred my face

I screamed for Mommy and Daddy

He thought I was dead and left me

I was left lying on the ground

I can’t talk anymore so I bled and cried

I prayed to God so I’ll be found

Mom and Dad said they loved me

They said God did too

They said my guardian angel will protect me

So, my angel, where are you?

Oh, the despair.
Really, that scared me.
Oh, and that was hot off the press, so I'm sorry for the flaws and stuff.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

A Tease of Fiction

This is something I've been working on over at No Girls Allowed. A snippet from the middle of a work in progress about Muses, it stands on it's own two legs, but you're welcome to drop by to read from the beginning. Simply click here to get just those posts (and don't forget, it's a blog, so start at the bottom).


Enveloped in flames, I burn. Choked by smoke, I gag and cough. Tendrils of burnt-flesh smell snake into my nostrils and coil around my lungs, hissing, squeezing.

“It hurts, doesn’t it?” Max whispers in my ear.

I can’t see him. My eyes are gone, melted, mushy puddles with scraggly optic nerves in the hallow sockets of my skull.

“I know it does,” he continues.

I can’t speak. My lips have cracked and peeled away, revealing not quite straight teeth, slightly yellowed by coffee and severely darkened by heat and flame.

“Is it still fair?” he asks. “Is it still right?”

My muscles are crisp and brittle. I fear moving. I wish only for unconsciousness, for death, for anything to relieve the pain of incessant burning, burning, burning.

Then darkness. Cool and crisp darkness like an autumn night.

I hear him snort in disgust behind me, but I am frozen in place, unable to turn, to blink, to breath.

“Yeah, I come across as an a$$,” he says. “I deal with it. It's not my problem if someone doesn't like me.”

“No,” I think because I cannot speak, “It’s mine.”

“Exactly,” he says.

The rain comes. It is cold, heavy, and blinding.

Saturday, February 21, 2009


I am hopelessly weak,
And can only struggle for my sanity.
I am pulled back to There,
Where I once dreamed;
Where I finally died.
Where I found life
Only after I escaped
Terrible skull-shattering screams
Echo inside me,
Then I realize
They are my own.
I tear myself from that dark corner,
Only to find myself submerged;
I can’t see where I am going.
It’s dark outside, up there
Wherever there really is
I don’t know
...I never reach the surface.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Drive Safely

When my daughter was a senior in high school she was part of a program where they tried to show the kids the dangers of drinking and driving. It was all coordinated with the local police and firemen, they staged an accident in front of the school complete with a couple of pretend dead and injured kids, they "arrested" one girl and booked her at the police station, they took a group to the morgue, and every hour they would remove on of the participants from class and read their obituary over the loud speaker in a metaphor for how often some one dies in a drunk driving accident. All this was filmed and put together for an assembly that we were invited to.

Part of my participation was to write my daughter's obituary. I was cleaning out some of my writing files this morning and found it. I am sitting here right now with tears streaming down my face rereading this and thinking of how fragile it all is. All four of my children are well and healthy and now 22, 21, 20 & 20, but in a moment that can change. Please, always drive safe and sane, my babies are out there with you.

Here is what I wrote for that day (remember, this was a school event to show the costs of drunk driving, my daughter didn't really die)...

Jessica Mae
Born – September 19, 1988 – Died May 23, 2006

Jessica, beloved daughter of Laura and Kenneth died because of the horrendous mistake of a person who got behind the wheel of their car drunk. Jessica was loved for her generous spirit, her warm friendship and her love of life. She was a good student who had only recently learned of her acceptance into the freshman class at the University of California Riverside. She dreamed of studying English and History and wanted to use her education to make a difference in the lives of others.

Jessica loved to help others and was the LinkCrew commissioner at Etiwanda High School. She shared her love of learning with others, tutoring and reading to young children.

Her parents and siblings - Matthew, Aimee and Mitchell survive Jessica. Her maternal grandparents Nancy and Rick and her paternal grandparents Pat and Chuck also survive her. She will be missed by her aunts, uncles, cousins and all of her many friends.

He who has gone, so we but cherish his memory, abides with us, more potent, nay, more present than the living man. - Antoine de Saint Éxupéry

Trilogy of Sorrow

Seems so much time has passed
since I last looked down,
I've been too busy living
that I forgot where I lived.
Now as the day draws to an end
I must remember where my bed is.

To seek you would be an atrocity of my faith.
My fortitude compromised by
soft caresses,
flaying me open
leaving my true heart bleeding,
pumping red
all over the floor.
I held my heart close to me
so it wouldn't break,
and cracked it against my own hard head.
To be with you again,
would be a dream
but even dreams must end.

Ten more years and I'll forget you.
Five more years and I'll try.
I couldn't say it the last time I saw you,
in your arms, I die
I hold your memory with shaking fingers
Tempted to keep it that way
The day that I told you I love you
Has long since passed away
Now I walk alone
Footfalls in the freezing snow
A soft crunching in the wind
As I try my damnedest to let you go.
Keeping your company is not for me
And two more years would add up quick
In the night I'll still adore you
Standing in the rain and heartsick.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Ode to my Muse

Hoping for a big bang of an introduction, my Muse runs off in search of smut. Yeah, figures. Welcome to my world.

So, in lieu of my brilliance, I give you brilliant song lyrics that will, no doubt, wake up my Muse so that she’s harassing me with ideas at 3am again.

Dysfunctionally Yours,


Song To Say Goodbye by Placebo

You are one of God's mistakes,
You crying, tragic waste of skin.
I'm well aware of how it aches,
And you still won't let me in.
Now I'm breaking down your door
To try and save your swollen face.
Though I don't like you anymore,
You lying, trying waste of space.

Before our innocence was lost,
You were always one of those,
Blessed with lucky sevens,
And the voice that made me cry.
My, Oh My.

You were Mother Nature's son,
Someone to whom I could relate.
Your needle and your damage done
Remains a sordid twist of fate.
Now I'm trying to wake you up,
To pull you from the liquid sky.
'Cause if I don't we'll both end up
With just your song to say goodbye.
My, Oh My.

A song to say goodbye
A song to say goodbye
A song to say...

Before our innocence was lost,
You were always one of those,
Blessed with lucky sevens,
And the voice that made me cry.

It's a song to say goodbye.


I go by Carrie, but you can call me Shadows if you like. Without further ado...a poem for your enjoyment:


A brief span of mockery
thus defined their outlaw ways
tempted by love and lust, drained
through the hole at the bottom of their fading hearts
They held hands together every moment; clasping
fingers sensitive to learn
that the body is hopeful,
but the struggles of the soul
are intended to be lost.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

A Lovely Quote To Unbrighten Your Day

"It's easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will reject you or die."

~Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club)

Half Jack

Half Jack by the Dresden Dolls

half underwater
i'm half my mother's daughter
a fraction's left up to dispute
the whole collection
half off the price they're asking
in the halfway house of ill repute

half accidental
half pain
full instrumental
i have a lot to think about
you think they're joking?
you have to go provoke him...
i guess it's high time you found out

it's half biology and half corrective surgery gone wrong
you'll notice something funny if you hang around here for too
long ago in some black hole before they had these pills to take it back
i'm half jill
and half jack

two halves are equal
a cross between two evils
it's not an enviable lot
but if you listen
you'll learn to hear the difference
between the halves and the half nots

and when i let him in i feel the stitches getting sicker
i try to wash him out but like they say, "the blood is thicker..."
i see my mother in my face
but only when i travel
i run as fast as i can run
but jack comes tumbling after

and when i'm brave enough and find a clever way to kick him out
and i'm so high not even you and all your love could bring me down
on 83rd he never found the magic words to change this fact:
i'm half jill
and half jack

i'm halfway home now
half hoping
for a showdown
cause i'm not big enough to house this crowd
it might destroy me
but i'd sacrifice my body
if it meant i'd get the jack part out



She stood with her back against the wall
counting the grey tiles between
herself and the doorway

They went in, they came out, none spoke to her
She stood with her back against the wall
twelve tiles between her and seeing him

She heard the cry of agony
twelve steps would take her to him
instead she turned away, faced the wall weeping

Twelve steps were not enough this night
to keep her from harming
the one who had tried to save her

Written from the prompt at Daily Writing Practice Empty Hallway

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


There was no denial of it, there was no covering it up, there is only the raspy, labored breaths and the harsh reality that all that lives must end one day, and bitterly underneath that was the fact that I cannot change it, I can only witness it. My husband is driving like a bat out of hell and talking but I do not hear him because I am lost in my storm of desperate and maddening thoughts while Boo stands in the backseat trying to balance himself in the middle, sticking his Bulldog face up between the front seats. He is drooling like never before and now there are secretions coming from his nose, as I wipe at them I wonder if this is how it ends, drowning in his own fluids? I look out the front window crying like a child for a moment, in an attempt to escape this ache in my heart but then sucking in a deep breath and unbuckling my seat belt I kneel on the passenger side seat so that I am facing into the back where Boo looks at me, stops pacing and for the first time in 24 hours lays down. I put my hands on him and he is still breathing as I begin to softly talk to him of how I love him and how wonderful he is, I plead for him to hang on a little bit longer, we are almost there I tell him, attempting to reassure myself. Within less than a minute, I realize he has stopped breathing, he won’t respond to me, not my voice, not my touch, he is gone and I am changed forever.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Mon Amour

Mon Amour

My heart used to leap
When you hold me in your arms
But now my heart, it weeps
For you’re taken by her charm

My cheeks used to blush
When you look me in the eye
Then you’ll give me a kiss
And release a contented sigh

You loved to touch my hair
And call me ‘Mon amour’
So gradually I lost you
And my heart does beat no more

So, belated happy Valentine's Day... I guess.
Well, I spent my Valentine's day alone at home, locked up in my room, sucking my Valentine's day themed lollipops, watching Burnt Notice and Paranormal State reruns.
Fun! Of course, in a satirical sense (but I love watching those shows and eating lollipops).
Now, I'm out of those stupid heart-shaped lollipops and Blow Pops and Chupa Chups.
Though, sucking lollipops are kind of exhausting and it hurts the ceiling of your mouth.
I also think that some part of my orifice bled because I tasted blood.
What a lovely mental image.
So what did everybody else, who had a love life and those who didn't (like me), do last saturday?

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Shake The Disease

Shake The Disease by Depeche Mode

I'm not going down on my knees,
Begging you to adore me
Can't you see it's misery
And torture for me
When I'm misunderstood
Try as hard as you can, I've tried as hard as I could
To make you see
How important it is for me

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these

Understand me

Some people have to be
Permanently together
Lovers devoted to
Each other forever
Now I've got things to do
And I've said before that I know you have too
When I'm not there
In spirit I'll be there

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these

Understand me

Sorry people, I couldn't find a good YouTube version of the original by DM. So here's Hooverphonic's version, which is just as good...maybe even better with a girl singing. Hm?... Strange though, I noticed Hooverphonic omit the "understand me" line in their version. Interesting...I wonder why.
Oh & hope you all had a lovely Valentine's Day! Deadly X's & O's~Eve

Friday, February 13, 2009

The Point

Tim Skold Pictures, Images and Photos

The Point by Skold

[*Repost: 'Cause I just put up a video of this song from YouTube*]

Love. Blood. War.
Design. Deceit. Control.

There’s no one here for everyone.
Just stick around until I’m gone.
I love you so, it hurts.
For whatever that it’s worth.
And all the dark will fade away.
The rumors and the lies.
And no one will remember if you even said goodbye.

What’s the point in dying
When the world thinks you’re already dead?
What’s the point in crying
With the rain beating down on your head?

Greed. Hate. Lust.
Divine. Disgust. Distrust.

Happiness comes in a pill,
off a fifteen story windowsill.
You long until I die,
or at least until I try.
The afterworks told me nothing.
Our problem still persists.
So think about the stories,
and the bullshit that you’ll miss.

What’s the point in dying
When the world thinks you’re already dead?
What’s the point in crying
With the rain beating down on your head?
What’s the point in lying
If no one believes what you say?
What’s the point in dying
If you’re already dead anyway?
If you’re already dead anyway?
If you’re already dead anyway?

I hope you will remember me.
At least say so to comfort me.
You say goodbye so easily.
It’s now or never.

It may seem really pitiful but,
life became too beautiful.
The pain of love unbearable.
It’s now or never.
Gone forever…

A lil' FYI: Tim Skold is one of my fave musicians/lyricists of all-time. He usually just goes by Skold in his many projects. This song is from a CD that never got released but I found the whole thing online a while back. But of course it was on the internet! It was around 5-6 songs with awesome music & lyrics. I'm going to probably post a good amount of his lyrics here because they are just so great to me.


i am the loose thread in the weave

the black sheep

that you percieve

the piece of the puzzle

that fell on the floor

lost for the ages

ever more

the one who cried

and made the most noise

the one who pained

and felt little joy

what did you do

to make me fear

enough to sleep with a kitchen knife near

what was I thinking in my childs head

to hide on the floor

beside my bed

i waited for darkness

to keep me safe

i waited to grow up

and get away

but now you see

i am haunted still

by the mother who hated

and the daughter who feared

Thursday, February 12, 2009


Wonder written by Eve

I just wonder why.
Why he said those things.
Why he said we couldn't be together.
Why I wasn't the one.

I fell for him from the moment I saw him.
I always felt like I was shaking when we spoke.
My stomach was twisted in knots because I felt something.
And I know he did too.

He seemed so caring in the beginning...
But confused.

And I wanted to help him...
But he wouldn't let me.

He said he was too crazy for me.
He said he would bring me down.
He said he wasn't good enough for me.
But I don't know if all that would've been true...
Because he never gave us a chance.

Over time...
He said very cruel things to me...
And slowly he broke my heart.

And I wondered...
Why did I feel so much pain...
Caused from a person I barely even knew?

He says he's happy.
He says he's happy with her...
But I don't know if that's true.
But I shouldn't care anymore...
Because his face makes me sick to my stomach now.

I just wonder...
If he only knew how bad he hurt me...
Maybe he'd wish he wouldn't have said those things.
Or maybe not.

I just can't help but to wonder...
From time to time...

Why he ended things before anything even began.

And I wonder...
Why he could love her...
And not me.

But I shouldn't care anymore.
I should know better.
I should know that I was never the problem.
But I can't help but to wonder...
Every now and then.~

*Quick Note: It's past midnight, and I really edited this from what you may have seen earlier. The version I wrote earlier today was done pretty quickly before work and I thought I was content with it, but when I came home, I felt like changing things a bit. I thought with Valentine's Day in the air, I'd feel more happy but for some reason it's bringing mixed emotions.

Maybe it's because I recently saw this person. My boyfriend said (when I saw this guy) "Why do you care if he sees you?"...because I saw him but I tried hard so he wouldn't see me. I just didn't want to be anywhere near him. I didn't want to "run into him." Seeing him brings back nothing but bad memories. I definitely would not want to say "Hi" if he did say something to me. I'm doing well in my life now but when I see him (every blue moon) those awful & strange feelings come rushing back...and I don't know why.